“Luck affects everything. Let your hook always be cast; in the stream where you least expect it there will be a fish.” ~Ovid
9 Years Ago.
9 years ago today I posted that I was feeling lucky. In Tuscany. And I was lucky, am lucky. I was with Peter, my parents, my godfather and his wife. We were taking a wine tour in Italy, in some of the most beautiful scenery anywhere, drinking amazing wine, laughing, eating great Italian bread and overall having a beautiful time. What I didn’t know then is that I was extra lucky because I was spending my dad’s last few days on earth with him, and while I know I was more than lucky to have had him for just about the first 45 years of my life, it wasn’t enough, isn’t enough.
Today.
I miss my dad, selfishly and greedily. I miss him knowing me truly and loving me fully in spite of that and because of that, not judging, always supporting, teaching, listening and laughing to whatever silly nonsense may be in my mind at any given moment. What I miss the most? I miss being able to tell him all about everything that has happened in the last nine years without him: We bought a townhouse, Peter and I are great, he’s the best. The Cubs won the World Series!!! I changed jobs, we got a new dog, and then another dog (you’d love them both), we lost Liberty and Nick. I went to Iceland! I ate fermented shark and it tasted like ammonia. Yes, ammonia. I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro! I started a blog! (Don’t ask.) I am getting bolder as I get older, the way it should be. I finally tried whole milk ricotta and am pretty much obsessed with it. I have read hundreds of great books, let me tell you about some of them… Did I mention that the Cubs won the freaking World Series? Mosquitoes bite me now. No, I don’t know why. I still never turn off a Cowboys game, no matter the score. Yep, the Redskins changed their name. Idiots. Oh, and a Manning is a Longhorn! The Bruins just broke my heart again. UGH. Guess what? I love eating lamb now. I still can’t drink coffee but hot tea is a new habit. The Queen finally died. I know, I know, I know all of your thoughts about monarchy… My hair is getting grayer and in the last 6 months I got two rounds of Shingles shots (I’m getting old, Dad! Of course you’d say getting old beats the heck out of the alternative – not getting old…) I went to Greece again and oh, your ashes are in a lot of places (don’t tell the priest at St Leo’s…) Thank you again for your pilot vision, I still don’t need reading glasses, but they are imminent I think. Oh, yeah. A lot of stupid shit has happened and a lot of disappointment but I know you’d be less judgmental than most, than me. Life goals. I only have four more US states on my list and I’ve fallen in love with mountains. (Remember how when I was about 5 I thought the mountains in Big Bend were the biggest in the world? You were right, of course. They are not. lol) I hiked through the Himalayas! I thought of you every day when I was there. I remember copying you when I wrote in my notebook that I wanted “to see Kilimanjaro up close, maybe just see Mount Everest” – I saw them both and honestly, I probably had no business getting as close to them as I did. But who could stop me? I am your daughter after all. Which has always made me truly grateful and well, lucky. Yes, I truly am lucky. Then, and now. Thanks, Dad. Thanks for giving me enough love to last my lifetime and then some (Yes, I know, I know, love is the only thing that lasts. Yes, I will read more poetry. I am actually doing that this year…) But even with all that love, I still miss you. I am lucky for that, too. Lucky that you will always be my dad, no matter how many years go by without you – it will be nine years on Monday – no matter how many things I experience without getting to tell you, and I am lucky that despite that, you have always been listening and loving me through it all.
Lucky, indeed. xo
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